Mothers and Daughters
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Mothers and Daughters
REVIEW BY REBECCA BAIN It's been said that a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother-a comment easily understood by nearly every adult daughter in the world. Looking in the mirror and seeing your mother's face emerging over your own, hearing yourself say things you swore you'd never say when you grew up, is practically every daughter's experience. But in a new collection of 34 essays exploring the mother-daughter bond, titled Because I Love Her and edited by Andrea N. Richesin, the examination of this relationship goes well beyond the facile "I'm turning into my mother." Almost all the pieces are thoughtful and well written, and they cover an exceedingly wide range of emotions and experiences. The book opens with an essay by Jacquelyn Mitchard, whose mother was a "funny and charming and gallant and occasionally cruel" woman who died when Mitchard was 19. As an adult looking back on her memories of her mother, Mitchard realized she had only two "delicious memories preserved entirely like dioramas under glass." So with her own daughters, Mitchard decided to be the kind of mom she didn't have‹a mom who tries to put memorable pieces of "Mommy-stuff" into every day of her children's lives. The reader cannot help but reflect upon his/her own special memories and wonder what needs to be done to provide those moments for another, whether daughter, friend, co-worker or stranger. Corny, yes. Trite, maybe. Necessary? Oh yeah. One of the more interesting essays is by Ericka Lutz, a "fourth generation 'Red Diaper Baby,' born into a family-on my mother's side-of atheist, culturally Jewish, Marxist, Feminist, West Coast lefty union leaders." In fact, Lutz's grandmother was Tillie Olsen, a writer who was among the first generation of feminists in this country. Lutz always felt she didn't (and couldn't) live up to the strong, world-changing life force that pulsed through her family. It took her decades to realize that "no matter how I feel about my family's dynamics, I am of them, I am them. And for me, it was the perfect closure to a relationship fraught with love and grief." There are essays about the mistakes made by these writers through their own attempts at mothering (Sheila Kohler's piece about raising a deaf daughter is especially good), about the lingering emotional consequences resulting from a mother who commits suicide. And about seeing the best qualities of one's own mother reflected in one's child. Because I Love Her is only the latest in a long line of books about the mother-daughter relationship, but it shouldn't necessarily be dismissed because of that. It's a wise child, no matter what age, who can learn from the experiences of others, and a happy child who can vicariously share the joy often found in the pages of this book.
Rebecca Bain writes from her home in Nashville, which she shares with her mother.
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