Sign Up

Get the latest ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.

All Family & Relationships Coverage

Interview by

As a new dad, Dave Engledow thought it would be funny to post a photo on his Facebook page that reflected both his new-father status—and his extreme fatigue. The response to that first photoshopped picture of Dave and baby daughter Alice Bee inspired a hilarious series of pictures that went viral—and are collected in a new book, Confessions of the World’s Best Father.

With Father’s Day approaching, we asked the self-styled “World’s Best” to tell us more about his photo project, his adorable daughter and his advice for other inexperienced dads.

What sparked your idea for this series of photographs?
I think it was probably the lack of sleep. I wanted to create an image that both captured the exhaustion I was experiencing while at the same time satirizing the stereotype of the clueless dad (which, to be honest, is a stereotype that was pretty accurate for me at the time). The "World's Best Father" mug was added almost as an afterthought to that first shot that portrayed me sleepily squirting Alice's milk into my own coffee.

How did you come up with the scenarios for each photo? How much help did you have during the planning or shoots?
Early on, the ideas were mainly inspired by my constant fears and neuroses—I was perpetually worried that I was going to be that guy you read about on the news who left the baby on top of the car on the way to work. Creating these photos helped me play out some of those worries. As the series has progressed, the scenarios have been influenced by everything from milestones in Alice Bee's growth to pop culture phenomenons like Gagnam Style. My wife Jen often helps me come up with the scenarios and provides a lot of help in adding small details to the scenes. I generally set up the scene and lights on my own, and then Jen helps make sure Alice is safe, happy, and performing the way we need her to for the shot. For the year that Jen was [deployed] in Korea, I had many different friends help me with the shoots.

Which photo in the book required the most elaborate production? What all was involved?
Probably the Cookie Stealing Investigation (CSI), which is a shot of Alice Bee wearing a cat burglar mask, sitting next to a pile of stolen cookies, hiding on a shelf in a darkened room. I am holding a blacklight, which is illuminating dozens of tiny hand and foot prints leading from the cookie jar to her location. This required my assistant-of-the-day Maggie and I to dip Alice's feet and hands in white paint, press her hands and feet on to plastic transparency sheets, cut out the hand prints and foot prints, and then strategically place the plastic prints in the scene, shoot, replace, shoot, etc until we had created the trail you see in the final image. The even harder part of the shoot was getting Alice Bee to wear the cat burglar mask—luckily, this was maybe the only shoot we've ever done where the very first shot of Alice Bee was perfect, so we only needed her to wear the mask one time. 

What’s the most surprising, interesting—or impassioned—response one of your photos has elicited?
We get LOTS of positive responses all the time from both parents and children all over the world who see something in the images that connect them to their own families. These are the responses we love the most and the ones that encourage us to keep shooting. However, the most impassioned responses we receive are generally from people who have not seen our work before and appear to not quite understand that these are intended as satire. I recently re-posted an image of a 15 month-old Alice Bee sitting on an outdoor grill, her feet on the grate next to a charcoal fire, preparing to flip burgers. A woman who had obviously never seen our work before kept commenting about how dangerous it was to have Alice Bee sitting on the grill, even when others in the comment thread tried to explain to her that it wasn't real. Her final comment was something along the lines of "Her feet could get burned—there are much safer ways for children to use the grill!"

How has the photo-taking process evolved as Alice Bee gets older?
We have to be more strategic in how we do the shoots, since she now has the ability to just get up and walk away if she's bored with what we're doing. We generally try to make it seem like a game to her—we'll start getting her excited early in the week ("Guess what? We're going to have a tea party on Saturday" or "You're going to get to play with a toy you've never played with before—it's called an Adding Machine") and try to make it as interesting as possible for her. My fantasy is that as she gets a little older, the two of us will come up with ideas together and we'll become partners in crime.

How are you keeping her grounded in light of her worldwide fame?
Luckily, Alice Bee does not yet fully understand that she is Internet-famous. I think she just thinks that it's perfectly normal to have an entire book with her pictures in it. In real life, Jen and I are in occupations that require us to set ego aside and we both do our best to be thoughtful, respectful and humble in our interactions with others. Hopefully, setting this type of example will help Alice Bee remain grounded once she learns that people all over the world know who she is. 

Your wife, Jen, appears in just a couple of the photos. Does she ever feel left out? What does she think about all of this?
Jen loves these images and is definitely a co-conspirator. She has been involved in some aspect of the creation of almost every single image in this series. She actually prefers to stay behind the scenes, but now that Alice Bee is older and more persuasive, the two of us have been able to convince Jen to appear in more of the images. Since her return from Korea, Alice and I have convinced Jen to appear in at least one image a month.

Do you have a favorite photo? Which one and why?
The very first image in the series is still my favorite. I think it perfectly captures the sleep deprivation and cluelessness I was experiencing at the time. It is also one of the only images in the series that was taken in a single shot, and every detail was painstakingly thought out in advance, from the color of my sweatpants to the angle of the milk stream. The only part that was serendipitous was Alice Bee's longing sideways stare at her milk going into my cup. 

Is the project ongoing? What’s up next for you and Ms. Alice Bee?
The project is still ongoing, with over 125 images in the series and counting. My goal is to keep doing it for as long as Alice Bee is game. For folks that follow our work on Facebook, we have a number of ideas we'll be exploring in the coming weeks, including Alice's current fascination with Wonder Woman.

As the world's best father, what advice would you like to pass along to your fellow dads?
There is no greater pleasure in the world than making your kid laugh. No matter how tired, frustrated, sleep deprived, stressed out, homicidal you may be feeling at the time, if you concentrate on generating those peals of tiny belly laughs, everything else will pale in comparison and those other feelings will rapidly disappear. That laughter the two of you will share together really is the best thing ever.

All photos copyright Dave Engledow.

ALSO IN BOOKPAGE: Read our Father's Day feature on gift books for Dad.

 

As a new dad, Dave Engledow thought it would be funny to post a photo on his Facebook page that reflected both his new-father status—and his extreme fatigue. The response to that first photoshopped picture of Dave and newborn daughter Alice Bee inspired a hilarious series of pictures that went viral—and have been collected in a new book, Confessions of the World’s Best Father.
Interview by

Eleven years ago, Claude Knobler and his wife, who had two children, decided to adopt a 5-year-old boy from Ethiopia. In More Love, Less Panic: 7 Lessons I Learned About Life, Love, and Parenting After We Adopted Our Son from Ethiopia, Knobler explains how his struggle to turn the wild, silly, loud and “too optimistic” Nati into a quiet, neurotic Jew like himself forever changed the way he approached parenting.


Daniela and Lucy Weil (left) and Claude and Nati Knobler (right). Photos © Erik Zanker and Claude Knobler.

I have an adopted daughter from Ethiopia, too. She’s 8 and very much like Nati. She is loud, outgoing, silly, fearless and chronically happy. I sometimes try to tone her down, but, like you, I think I might be turning her into a “neurotic Jew.”
It's funny. I think with every kid you learn that they are who they are. It's just that when you adopt a child, you learn it a bit quicker. Our son Clay was exactly who he is from the day he was born, but it wasn't until we had our second child, our daughter Grace, that we really started to see that you can parent all you want, but your kids have their own personalities from day one.

Then . . . we adopted Nati, who was exuberant and giddy and silly, and we really realized that no matter what we did in the name of parenting, he was going to be exactly who he was going to be no matter what we did. There was just no way we could turn this silly Ethiopian 5-year-old who loved shouting and practical jokes into a young Woody Allen—which really makes parenting easier. Because you can just enjoy them for who they already are without worrying about whom you want to turn them into.

You can have long arguments with a toddler about how important it is for them to share their cookies, or you can get in the habit of being a generous, decent person in front of them.

The first lesson you learned is how it's better to influence, than to control. Let's talk about control.
Or about not having any! My wife and I were sent all these videotapes with 10-second snippets of kids saying their names. We had no idea how you could actually choose a child. And then we got this tiny photo of a little boy, and when we saw him on a video, we all just knew. Even when we were in charge, we had no more control than we did with our first two kids! The way we were given to go about “choosing” Nati was strange, but it really also was a good way to start seeing how little control we had.

As parents, it's so easy to make yourself and your child miserable “for their own good,” when really trying to control my kids is often just my way of dealing with the anxiety every parent feels. We love our kids so much that we can't help but be afraid about so many things in their lives. You can have long arguments with a toddler about how important it is for them to share their cookies, or you can get in the habit of being a generous, decent person in front of them. Most kids grow out of the worst kinds of selfishness on their own with time. Yelling at them and arguing with them won't make them better people. But they do watch what you do. Being able to let go of the idea that you can create a perfect child by being a perfect parent really can make your life and your child's life much gentler and happier.

I think when you're a biological parent, perhaps you have more expectations that your kid will become some version of you. Like they'll play the piano if you're a musician. When you adopt, I think you accept from the get-go that this child will be what he/she will be. For me, it's been clear that I cannot hold onto my expectations of who she will become. Maybe she will never go to college. Maybe she's going to end up being a mountain climber, or in one of those jackass videos (the Jewish mother's nightmare). But I've made my peace with that.
Yes! I think that's true, but again, I think that while adoption can speed it up, that's the process that every parent goes through. Talk to any parent of two children and before long they'll tell you how their second child had a personality of its own as soon as it was born. Really what I learned with Nati was that I didn't want any specific thing for any of my three kids. I just want them to be happy—though I do hope your daughter doesn't become a mountain climber or appears in a "Jackass" video. But only because mountain climbing scares me. As do "Jackass" videos.

Oh trust me, it scares the heck out of me too. I have a terrible phobia of heights, and she's a fearless climber. But I never wanted her to inherit my fears, so when she was little, I’d pretend I was totally OK with the crazy stuff she was doing in the playground. The other parents would walk up to me and say "Excuse me, do you think it's OK for your kid to be on the roof of the castle?"
But it was OK for her. Better to let your daughter climb than to shout at her because you're worried she'll fall off a mountain three decades from now. She didn't fall off that castle did she? Because if she did, I'm going to have to re-write my book.

LOL!
In your book, you talk a lot about nature versus nurture, and it seems like nature is the overwhelming force that shapes a child. Do you see the nurture element in Nati's personality?

That's such a great question. I do think that kids are like watching those old Polaroid pictures after they come out of the camera. The image is already there; you just have to wait for it to come into focus. That said, I don't think we changed who Nati was, but I do think that the cumulative effect of the life we've led has changed and shifted him. I haven't parented Nati into being more mature, but the traveling we've done, the conversations we've had and most of all, being a member of this family and seeing how we share our lives has, I know, helped him grow into the remarkable young man he's become.

The most helpful part of your book to me was the image of Nati's biological mom, who was dying of AIDS, whispering in his ear a final goodbye which you witnessed before leaving Ethiopia. It reminds me to let go.
I'm sure it goes without saying that being with Nati while his mother said goodbye to him was one of the most powerful experiences I'll ever have. It certainly made clear to me that there can be a purity to love. In our daily lives, love can come out in so many strange ways. I nag my kids because I love them. I worry about my family because of the love I feel for them. But at that moment, Nati's mother wasn't telling him anything for his future, or trying to teach him anything, she was just being with him, connecting with him and loving him as purely as anyone ever could. And yet, I do think it's important to remember that you can't always live in that kind of moment. If you never lose your temper with your kids, then you're probably not spending enough time with them. I think, for me, it's important to allow myself to feel all of it; the love, the frustrations, the fears without believing what those feelings sometimes tell me. It's OK to feel frustrated with your child's behavior without believing that voice that says, “How will she ever get a job as an adult when she'll always be this way?” It's possible to love your child with every fiber of your being and still step back and let them live their own lives as they mature.

A lot of what you say reminds me of the serenity prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference).
I did waste a lot of time as a parent trying to change what couldn't be changed and didn't need to be changed. I have a son in college now and once that happens you really do learn that while you think your kids are the entire book of your life, they're really just a chapter. They grow up and get their own lives, no matter how great a parent you are. And if you don't stop and enjoy all of their insanity and strangeness, then you've missed something wonderful. More love, less panic, because either way, whether you spend these years laughing or crying, they're going to be who they are and then they're going to go out into the world.

RELATED CONTENT: Read our review of this book.

Daniela Weil was born and raised in Sao Paolo, Brazil, and now lives in Houston with her daughter Lucy. Trained as a whale biologist, Weil is also a writer and illustrator whose work includes both children’s books and scientific illustrations. She is the creator of the web comic The World According to Lucy, which chronicles the experiences of an introverted adoptive mom parenting the fearless, free-spirited Lucy.

Eleven years ago, Claude Knobler and his wife, who had two children, decided to adopt a 5-year-old boy from Ethiopia. In More Love, Less Panic: 7 Lessons I learned About Life, Love, and Parenting After We Adopted Our Son from Ethiopia, Knobler explains how his struggle to turn the wild, silly, loud and “too optimistic” Nati into a quiet, neurotic Jew like himself forever changed the way he approached parenting.
Interview by

Tasked with cleaning out her late parents’ house, Plum Johnson made some surprising discoveries, which she chronicles with wit and insight in They Left Us Everything.

There are multiple ways to interpret the book’s title. What does it mean to you?
When Mum and Dad died, I rolled my eyes at all their junk and thought: Oh jeez . . . they left us everything. But once we took the time to go through it, I understood the history we’d been given, and I thought: Wow—they left us everything! So the irony of the phrase stayed with me.

What was the best advice you got during the process? The worst?
The best advice was: Forgive yourself and forgive your parents, because everybody did the best they could. My brothers and I also made a pact that material possessions aren’t worth fighting over; relationships are more important. 

They Left Us Everything is dedicated to your children. Did this experience inspire you to make sure your affairs are more settled so they won’t have to go through what you went through?
No! The message is exactly the opposite: “Don’t self-edit.” I’m leaving my mess for my children to sort through. Hopefully, they’ll find out things about me that I never wanted them to know. We all have foibles that we try to hide from our children when we’re raising them. But it’s helpful for them to discover these things, especially when they look in the mirror and realize they’ve become us! I just hope I’m dead when they write their books.

You probably thought you had achieved closure with your demanding father, who died years earlier than your mother. What was it like to rekindle all those memories? 
I don’t look for closure, because I’ve learned that relationships continue even after death. I made peace with Dad during his slow descent into Alzheimer’s. We had 15 years of gentleness, which was lovely. 

If your parents were still alive and you could ask questions of them, what would you ask?
I would probe more deeply into their relationships with their own parents. I never asked those questions, and I wish I had. After Mum died, I found all these letters written to her by her own mother, and they were dated throughout her childhood. This surprised me. I didn’t know her mother had been so frequently absent.

What’s it been like to become a first-time author at the age of 68? Do you have more books on the horizon?
I’ve always been a late-bloomer. Sometimes confidence comes late in life. I had a high school teacher who used to pound on her desk and shout, “Don’t write until you have something to say!” She effectively shut me up for the next 50 years. I kept asking myself, “Is this worth saying? Is that worth saying?” I used to look at all the piles of books on remainder tables—each one representing five years of someone’s life—and think, why bother? But this book just burst forth. It unplugged a cork of non-confidence. Now I have so much to say I can hardly wait to tell it all.

Author photo © Carter Johnson. 
 

ALSO IN BOOKPAGE: Read our review of They Left Us Everything.
 

This article was originally published in the August 2016 issue of BookPage. Download the entire issue for the Kindle or Nook.

Tasked with cleaning out her late parents’ house, Plum Johnson made some surprising discoveries, which she chronicles with wit and insight in They Left Us Everything.

Sign Up

Stay on top of new releases: Sign up for our newsletter to receive reading recommendations in your favorite genres.

Recent Reviews

Author Interviews

Recent Features