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ParentingFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

Insight and inspiration In Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It (Dell Island, $12.95, 0440508126), Anne Cassidy proclaims that today’s kids have virtually taken over their parents’ lives. She recommends that parents drop out of parenting classes and forget the experts. Instead, they must remember to trust their instincts. Her thesis took shape when she was struck with laryngitis and couldn’t give her daughters the praise they’d grown to depend on what she describes as the steady stream of prattle about what a good job she’s doing or what she’d like to do next. She realized her children, and many others, were suffering from what she calls Attention Excess Disorder, which she deems the Malady of the Decade. Cassidy’s ideas are full of common-sense wisdom, delivered in a voice that sounds like a reassuring, often humorous, friend.

I was also riveted to Richard F. Miniter’s The Things I Want Most: The Extraordinary Story of a Boy’s Journey to a Family of His Own, the story of his family’s decision to take in a severely troubled 11-year-old as a foster child. The Miniters had already raised six children of their own and were running an inn in upstate New York. Instead of enjoying some well-earned tranquillity, they brought chaos into their lives in the form of a boy named Mike. This is a book you won’t forget.

Alice Cary is a mother and a reviewer in Groton, Massachusetts.

Insight and inspiration In Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It (Dell Island, $12.95, 0440508126), Anne Cassidy proclaims that today's kids have virtually taken over their parents' lives. She recommends that parents drop out of parenting classes and forget…

ParentingFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

Insight and inspiration In Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It, Anne Cassidy proclaims that today’s kids have virtually taken over their parents’ lives. She recommends that parents drop out of parenting classes and forget the experts. Instead, they must remember to trust their instincts. Her thesis took shape when she was struck with laryngitis and couldn’t give her daughters the praise they’d grown to depend on what she describes as the steady stream of prattle about what a good job she’s doing or what she’d like to do next. She realized her children, and many others, were suffering from what she calls Attention Excess Disorder, which she deems the Malady of the Decade. Cassidy’s ideas are full of common-sense wisdom, delivered in a voice that sounds like a reassuring, often humorous, friend.

I was also riveted to Richard F. Miniter’s The Things I Want Most: The Extraordinary Story of a Boy’s Journey to a Family of His Own (Bantam, $21.95, 0553109332), the story of his family’s decision to take in a severely troubled 11-year-old as a foster child. The Miniters had already raised six children of their own and were running an inn in upstate New York. Instead of enjoying some well-earned tranquillity, they brought chaos into their lives in the form of a boy named Mike. This is a book you won’t forget.

Alice Cary is a mother and a reviewer in Groton, Massachusetts.

Insight and inspiration In Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It, Anne Cassidy proclaims that today's kids have virtually taken over their parents' lives. She recommends that parents drop out of parenting classes and forget the experts. Instead, they…

ParentingFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

How should boys be boys? In 1994 Mary Pipher created a stir with her groundbreaking book about adolescent girls, Reviving Ophelia. Now it’s the year of the boy, with two titles receiving widespread attention. The first, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Adolescent Boys into Exceptional Boys (Tarcher/Putnam, $24.95, 0874779197), is by Michael Gurian, author of the best-selling The Wonder of Boys. Gurian says adolescent males are our most undernurtured population. Much attention, he rightly says, has been given to adolescent girls; now it’s time to give boys what he calls New Models of Manhood, which include compassion, honor, responsibility, and enterprise. Such timeless ideals are hardly new, but Gurian’s thoughts are worth pondering.

In a similar vein, in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, William Pollack argues that boys are forced to prematurely separate from their mothers at ages five or six. From that time on, we expect them to heed what he calls the Boy Code, to be stoic, rough-and-tumble little men. To make matters worse, Pollack says, society views boys as toxic in other words, psychologically unaware, emotionally unsocialized creatures. And yet as men they are expected to be masculine, communicative, and sensitive. No wonder, he notes, that boys are confused! Pollack concludes: Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their most intense feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear. Any parent will find this an intriguing, immensely readable book.

Alice Cary is a mother and a reviewer in Groton, Massachusetts.

How should boys be boys? In 1994 Mary Pipher created a stir with her groundbreaking book about adolescent girls, Reviving Ophelia. Now it's the year of the boy, with two titles receiving widespread attention. The first, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators…

ParentingFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

How should boys be boys? In 1994 Mary Pipher created a stir with her groundbreaking book about adolescent girls, Reviving Ophelia. Now it’s the year of the boy, with two titles receiving widespread attention. The first, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators Can Do to Shape Adolescent Boys into Exceptional Boys, is by Michael Gurian, author of the best-selling The Wonder of Boys. Gurian says adolescent males are our most undernurtured population. Much attention, he rightly says, has been given to adolescent girls; now it’s time to give boys what he calls New Models of Manhood, which include compassion, honor, responsibility, and enterprise. Such timeless ideals are hardly new, but Gurian’s thoughts are worth pondering.

In a similar vein, in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (Random House, $24.95, 0375501312; Random House AudioBooks, $18, 0375402918), William Pollack argues that boys are forced to prematurely separate from their mothers at ages five or six. From that time on, we expect them to heed what he calls the Boy Code, to be stoic, rough-and-tumble little men. To make matters worse, Pollack says, society views boys as toxic in other words, psychologically unaware, emotionally unsocialized creatures. And yet as men they are expected to be masculine, communicative, and sensitive. No wonder, he notes, that boys are confused! Pollack concludes: Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their most intense feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear. Any parent will find this an intriguing, immensely readable book.

Alice Cary is a mother and a reviewer in Groton, Massachusetts.

How should boys be boys? In 1994 Mary Pipher created a stir with her groundbreaking book about adolescent girls, Reviving Ophelia. Now it's the year of the boy, with two titles receiving widespread attention. The first, A Fine Young Man: What Parents, Mentors, and Educators…

NonfictionSelf-HelpFamily & Relationships

Adam J. Kurtz

Interview by Eric A. Ponce

In You Are Here (For Now), artist and author Adam J. Kurtz is vulnerable, wise and hilarious as he doles out advice and comfort to anyone who’s really going through it.

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever received?
Sometimes the worst advice comes from the people who love us the most. I won’t go into it (oops, bad start to an interview), but someone who loves me was enabling me when what I really needed was a full reset. 

Advice is always going to be highly subjective, even when it comes from the most intuitive and special people in our lives. I make sure to be especially transparent about that when dispensing any myself, including within my books.

What motivates you to motivate others? Is motivation even the right word for it?
I don’t think it’s motivation so much as me continually searching for a way to be OK—yes, me, an infamously (to myself) not OK person—and then wanting to share it with as many people as possible. In the last few years, and particularly as I did more speaking, I realized that my weirdo-brain way of thinking through shit actually sounds a lot like other peoples’ inner monologues, and so I began to think that maybe there’s power in opening up the conversation to others.

Do you remember the first time you reached a “vibe equilibrium” (when good vibes and bad vibes can coexist)? How sustainable is such a state?
“GOOD VIBES ONLY” is tone-deaf at this point because we’re all in the jello now! It’s pandemic year two, and everybody is simultaneously struggling through very real hardships and loss while still experiencing moments of joy and celebrating milestones in spite of everything. That’s the vibe equilibrium I’m talking about. Turns out, it’s pretty sustainable. In fact, it’s the only thing that works, because pure ignorance is dangerous, but focusing solely on the news cycle makes it impossible to feel good at all.

“Pure ignorance is dangerous, but focusing solely on the news cycle makes it impossible to feel good at all.”

When you sit down to write, who do you imagine you’re talking to? What role does the idea of an audience play in your process?
This is literally SO mentally-ill-gay-Jew of me, but at least half the time I’m just talking to myself. I mean, aren’t we all? Even our most objective advice and anecdotes are still rooted in our own lived experiences. I think about a younger version of myself, or a friend sitting across from me on the couch talking through their current mix of stress and insecurity. 

I am totally a secret-keeper and confidant for people, and it’s an honor to be “that friend” for the people I love. I imagine my readers as friends who are going through it right now, and since it’s not always appropriate to instigate a heart-to-heart, I thought about this book as a way for readers to opt-in to talk about all the stuff we don’t usually talk about—like failure, shame, anxiety and death.

What is it about being glib that helps you cope? Is this a way to reach deeper levels of honesty?
I mean, yes, in the way that my favorite deadpan, self-deprecating humor is often incredibly honest. It’s also the kind of deep-level honesty that this poor barista did not ask for. So it’s about finding the funny silver lining for yourself, but also making sure that you have and respect boundaries.

Has the shift in how we talk about self-care changed our lived experience of it? If so, do you think this change is for the better?
Yes yes yes yes yes. I am so grateful for the way this conversation continues to change, and I try to be very intentional about my use of the phrases “self-care,” “mental health” and “mental illness.” It’s so necessary for us to allow ourselves and one another to acknowledge mental well-being in a mainstream, practical, actionable way. 

Seeing Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles, two incredible Black women at the top of their games, speak openly about mental health and even deprioritize their passion, pride and income to focus inward is so incredible. It means a lot to me to have a small part in this conversation that continues to unfold around all of us.

“I thought about this book as a way for readers to opt-in to talk about all the stuff we don’t usually talk about—like failure, shame, anxiety and death.”

It often feels like it’s becoming increasingly hard to be a human being. Is there reprieve from this? If so, where do you find it in your own life?
I think we’re simply seeing more ways of being and are subsequently faced with far more comparisons and possibilities than before. It’s hard for me to realize I’m unhappy if I don’t know how happy I could theoretically be! But many of the same tools that hurt us (hi, social media) can also bring us comfort, inspiration and community. I always think of my art as a breadcrumb trail left out in the universe to attract my people. Sharing this process has brought incredible friendships, and my husband, into my life. Not to mention a book deal . . .

What music has helped you stay alive? What’s the soundtrack of your life right now?
Michelle Branch’s “The Spirit Room” meant absolutely everything to me as a teen. It came out around the same time that my family moved from Canada to the USA and I was coming to terms with my sexuality and how it conflicted with our Jewish religion. “Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew,” sung in such literal terms, meant the world to me as a 13-year-old. It’s that album’s 20-year anniversary this year, and she’s rerecorded it, so I’ve had that in rotation, a fresh take on the words and melodies that are hard-wired into my brain.

Alanis Morissette’s “Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie” also must receive credit for being an incredible, dense, vulnerable look into a young, intelligent and complex mind. Sometimes I think that if Alanis Morissette could find joy and success in her art on a complicated path through teen fame and pain, I can do my thing and have that be enough.

Speaking of musicians, did you mean for the handwritten parts of the book to look like the cover of Drake’s “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late”?
Oh my god, get away from me!!!!!!! I’d been doing this thing for many years, and when that album came out, so many people asked me if I worked on it. That type was actually created by the street artist JIMJOE, and when I first moved to New York, he had tagged the door downstairs “OK OK OK OK NO PROBLEMS.” I wish I had written THAT first, but I’ve saved the photo and still might get it tattooed some day.

Author photo © Michelle Mishina

Meet Adam J. Kurtz, a mental health guru you can actually relate to.
Self-HelpFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! When Cousin Curtis called last month to thank you for the lovely book you sent him, he mentioned that he was throwing a surprise party this month for his wife Wanda. Ah, yes, Wanda the Wife if Curtis is the guy who has it all, it’s probably because Wanda has been the one juggling it. Wanda’s birthday gift needs to remind her that she’s special and appreciated. What birthday gift is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and doesn’t require a sitter when left at home? Why, books, of course! A good story about friendship is always appreciated. Richard Ezra Probert, music teacher and wood/metal craftsman, has chronicled his friendship with Archie Raasch in Archie’s Way (The Lyons Press, $19.95, 1558217045). Amid the tools and planks, Archie and Richard forged a friendship that spanned 15 years. The lessons Richard learned (and subsequently shares with readers), however, will last a lifetime. Makes a wonderful gift for someone who has had or has been a mentor. Wanda remembers the mid-1950s (though she’s reluctant to admit it); every child was taught to fear polio, and the summers just seemed hotter back then. She would love Pat Cunningham Devoto’s first novel, My Last Days as Roy Rogers (Warner, $20, 0446523887). Heroine Tab Rutland’s prologue foreshadows that the summer of 1954 was a messenger of great changes to come. Readers, prepare to discover a world where it does, in fact, matter from which side of the Mason-Dixon you come; proprietors are assisted by double-barrel shotguns, and creative accounting wasn’t created during the 1980s. A great novel for those who like to remember, or for those who are visiting post-World War II America for the first time.

You still laugh when Curtis recounts Wanda’s attempts to train that mutt she adopted; housebreaking remains a sore subject for poor Wanda, and a mystery to her canine. To show your support for her efforts, Why We Love Dogs: A Bark and Smile Book (Andrews McMeel, $12.95, 0836269713) makes a wonderful gift. Black-and-white photographs capture the essence of dogs; brief, large text descriptions remind humans of the joys of dog ownership (lest they forget the next time they discover that their potted plants have been mutilated!).

On the brink of a new millennium, teenagers everywhere have opinions about the world that they are inheriting. From Johannesburg to Kiev, Belfast to San Francisco, teens worldwide offer an honest portrayal of the state of things in Hear These Voices: Youth at the Edge of the Millennium (Dutton’s Children’s Books, $22.99, 0525453539). Author Anthony Allison is a photographer and youth counselor who has traveled to various points on the map, talking to at risk children about their experiences and their hopes for the future. Complete with striking black-and-white photographs, Hear These Voices presents gripping stories in a forthright and respectable manner. Perfect for educators, counselors, or anyone else who is concerned about today’s youth. A time management queen like Wanda probably feels like her reign is always in jeopardy. Life Balance, Inc. president Mary LoVerde has written Stop Screaming at the Microwave: How to Connect Your Disconnected Life for seasoned veterans or novices at the keeping up with life game. LoVerde presents a step-by-step approach, taking small steps to the big finish. She identifies plans of action with regard to family, career, social life, and beyond. Readers, beware: after reading about how to keep up, you might find yourselves actually (gasp!) getting ahead!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! When Cousin Curtis called last month to thank you for the lovely book you sent him, he mentioned that he was throwing a surprise party this month for his wife Wanda. Ah, yes, Wanda the Wife if Curtis is the guy who has…

Self-HelpFamily & Relationships

Review

Review by bookpagedev

Jimmy Carter is getting into the act of promoting positive aging. In his 12th book, The Virtues of Aging, the former President joins America’s luminaries on this increasingly popular topic in exuding confidence in the good life after 65 and exhorting each and every one of us to follow suit.

All should decide on a life path which, above all, centers on giving us a purpose, quality relationships, and a disciplined exercise program. We should see our lives as expanding, not contracting, writes Carter, who at age 56 left the White House and Washington.

He and his wife, Rosalynn now enjoying their second 50 years of marriage returned to Plains, Georgia, where he writes they struggled to find their place again in the world away from the political spotlight and outside the frenzied Washington beltway.

After months of uncertainty except when the concern was returning their peanut farm to prosperity, the Carters established the Carter Center in nearby Atlanta as the focus for pursuing their multiple interests.

From this enviable vantage point, the Carters together and individually convene meetings on favorite topics of national and international import, participate with hammer and pliers in Habitat for Humanity (building houses for those who are less well off), and maintain an interest in promoting international citizen exchange through the Friendship Force.

Paraphrasing a verse from the Old Testament, Carter tells his readers to forget caution and take a chance.

The Virtues of Aging is a virtuous (sometimes saccharine sweet) book written by a virtuous man. The author’s approach is down-home and conversational. He might preach on occasion ( Social Security laws must change. )He also might meander, but never far from his readers who feel as if they are sitting across the kitchen table in Plains.

We almost see him blush when he deals all too briefly with the subject of sexuality and aging, reminding us painfully of his admission of experiencing lust in his heart. In a chapter entitled What Is Successful Aging?, Carter writes, You may be surprised to learn that I think one of the most important [goals] should be our own happiness. Well, not really. But read this short and sweet book anyway. It’s written to the point, which is this: go experience life, even though you’ve crossed the threshold of 65.

Marsha VandeBerg is a writer in San Francisco and founding national editor of a magazine for readers who are 50 and older.

Jimmy Carter is getting into the act of promoting positive aging. In his 12th book, The Virtues of Aging, the former President joins America's luminaries on this increasingly popular topic in exuding confidence in the good life after 65 and exhorting each and every one…

Family & Relationships

Dating guides share helpful tips for getting lucky in love

Feature by Trisha Ping

Just in time for February 14, publishers are releasing scads of dating advice books promising a one-way ticket to relationship bliss. But in the sea of books with snappy titles, how to discover which one is best for you? And how long before the author brings forth the inevitable nugget of wisdom from "Sex and the City"? Read on to find out.

The Book: A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend: For Every Guy Who Wants to Be One, for Every Girl Who Wants to Build One

The Authors: Actress Felicity Huffman is best known for playing working mom Lynette on "Desperate Housewives"; Patricia Wolff is a playwright. Both are hilarious.

The Hook: This is a relationship book for guys, and it has the vintage-style noir illustrations to prove it.

Who Should Buy: Those who look for laughs with their relationship advice. But let’s face it: This book may be "for the boyfriend," but women will be the ones buying it for their boyfriends or brothers (or themselves).

Sample Quote: "A man’s emotional checklist is pretty basic: Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? Am I horny? If he’s content in all three areas, he’s pretty much okay. A woman’s emotional checklist reads more like a Russian novel. It’s long, complicated, confusing, and you spend a lot of time trying to keep the characters straight."

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 91.

 

 

The Book: He’s Just Not in the Stars: Wicked Astrology and Uncensored Advice for Getting the (Almost) Perfect Guy 

The Author: Jenni Kosarin is a sex columnist.

The Hook: A man’s suitability for everlasting love and faithfulness is written in the stars. By pairing his Sun sign (determined by birth date) with his Venus sign (determined by birth year), you can "discover your man’s predisposition in love." Though the writing is sometimes reminiscent of US Weekly ("love profiles" of celebrities, and their romantic histories, are included), the astrological profiles are scarily accurate.

Who Should Buy: Anyone who thinks the stars tell all, or serial daters. If you’re in a relationship, just read the page on your current squeeze’s sign in the bookstore.

Sample Quote: "Isn’t it time someone tells the real story about how you should define men in love?"

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 2.

 

 

The Book: Better Single than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling

The Author: Jen Schefft won her season of "The Bachelor" when she became engaged to Andrew Firestone in the finale. After their break-up, she starred in "The Bachelorette" but ended up turning down all 25 of her eager suitors.

The Hook: Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship, so wait for the right man. And don’t let your parents, grandparents or smug married friends make you feel guilty about your single status.

Who Should Buy: Fans of Schefft (though don’t expect any meaty behind-the-scenes gossip about the TV show), or any woman who’s fed up with feeling bad about being single.

Sample Quote: "If you focus too much attention on the idea of getting a ring or having a wedding, you’ll lose sight of the most importation thing: the marriage. When I walk down the aisle, I want to feel 100 percent certain that the man waiting at the altar is the best person for me. I won’t let the glare of a diamond cloud my judgment. In fact, I’ve had one, and I assure you it doesn’t guarantee happiness."

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 10.

 

 

The Book: Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl’s Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment

The Author: Elina Furman is a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe, and she’s written several books on dating and singles.

The Hook: Men aren’t the only ones with commitment issues. Don’t let a fear of commitment keep you from saying "yes" to true love and happiness.

Who Should Buy: Jen Schefft. (Just kidding.) Women who could say yes to at least three of Furman’s Top Ten Signs You’re Commitment-phobic, which include "You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate" and "You have a habit of dating ‘unavailable’ men."

Sample Quote: "If you’re choosing to be with someone who isn’t ready for a serious relationship, what does that say about you? Remember the Golden Rule: IF YOU’RE WITH A COMMITMENT-PHOBE, YOU ARE A COMMITMENTPHOBE."

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 12.

 

 

The Book: Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic: How to Meet and Marry Your Match

The Author: Amateur matchmaker Susan Shapiro also wrote the memoir The Five Men Who Broke My Heart. Her narrative voice comes across as a bit smug at times—but after sending 12 couples to the altar, maybe she’s earned it.

The Hook: Getting someone you know to hook you up is the best way to find a good match—but you also need to learn to recognize the men who are marriage material and fix yourself up before you can be fixed up.

Who Should Buy: Singles with a large network of social, trustworthy friends—after all, any setup is only as good as the person making the connection.

Sample Quote: "The beauty of having someone near and dear to you set you up is that there’ll be no surprises or shocks about what lies ahead . . . you can feel semicertain that your next suitor will not be a tranny in hiding, a serial adulteror, or an axe murderer."

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 3.

 

 

The Book:  Actually, It Is Your Parents’ Fault: Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn’t Working, and How to Fix It

The Authors: Philip Van Munching wrote Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt), and psychoanalyst Bernie Katz counsels families and couples on Long Island.

The Hook: Your childhood experiences shaped your personality and set the course for your adult life. If you can understand the way they did that, you too can have a healthy, conflict-free relationship.

Who Should Buy: Those with an interest in psychoanalysis; anyone who believes in nurture over nature; people who can’t seem to be in a relationship without conflict (Van Munching says that’s because you’re playing out dysfunctional relationships from your childhood).

Sample Quote: "[W]e don’t ask ourselves the single most relevant question when it comes to figuring out the origin of our longing for someone else: What does the personality trait I seem to be so drawn to in others reveal about me?"

First Mention of "Sex and the City": page 30.

Trisha Ping is currently single, but refuses to hold her parents responsible.

Just in time for February 14, publishers are releasing scads of dating advice books promising a one-way ticket to relationship bliss. But in the sea of books with snappy titles, how to discover which one is best for you? And how long before the author…

Family & Relationships

Looking for love: books for every dater

Feature by Carla Jean Whitley

With so many dating books out there, it seems there’s a guide for just about everyone. Here’s a look at five of this year’s offerings. By the time you make your way through this relationship gauntlet, you’ll be equipped to find a date this Valentine’s Day—and perhaps find love by the next!

Decoding men
Women always claim men are so hard to understand—but could that be because we’re reading into them the complexity we see in ourselves? Jeff Mac thinks so. In Manslations, the stand-up comic offers something of a you’re-too-smart-for-your-own-good (that’s us, ladies!) handbook to understanding men. With Mac as your guide, it’s suddenly easy to interpret what the man in your life is saying. Do his words and actions contradict each other? There’s truth in the old axiom, Mac says: “listen” to the actions and you’ll find mixed signals aren’t so mixed after all. Unsure whether he likes you? Again, Mac breaks it down: if he’s getting physical and keeping you around even when he’s not, you’re golden. Mac is like your best well-meaning but often blunt guy friend—one who’s happily involved and therefore willing to share insight into relationships. Ladies, we’re wrong when we assume men are hard to understand, and that’s perhaps the most useful manslation of all.

Get over it
Patti Novak won’t spoon-feed you. Get Over Yourself!, written with Laura Zigman, is filled with advice on how to move from being dateless to committed, but Novak, the star of A&E’s 2007 series “Confessions of a Matchmaker,” is just the guide—you’re the active participant. The book’s worksheets and quizzes show women ready to dig in and do the hard work of getting ready for love how to process their own desires and needs, and think about why they are where they are. That’s not always easy, especially when Novak tells you that it is you, after all! It sounds harsh, but she guides you through common self-protective behaviors to help you recognize actions that are holding you back and then heal the hurt beneath them. As you work through the past to change your future, the pressure you place on each date will diminish—and success will come.

Back in the dating pool
What do you do when, after years of marriage or a committed relationship, you find yourself single again? It’s been years (perhaps decades) since you left the 20-something’s singles scene—how has it changed? How have you?

In Getting Naked Again, Judith Sills, Ph.D., who appears frequently on the “Today” show, serves as the newly single woman’s tour guide to the now-unfamiliar world of dating. This isn’t your daughter’s book, she says, and dating is no longer as clear-cut a process as it is for your daughter. Her goals are likely easy to define: she’s dating to find love, marriage and children. But you’ve already had all of those things. What’s your goal? Your relationships with single men, married friends, your children and even yourself may have changed when you found yourself alone. But with Sills on your side, you can learn how to make the most of being single again.

You can hurry love
If you were ready to find love, like, yesterday, pick up How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less. Love is an emotional progression, not a time-sensitive development, Nicholas Boothman argues, and he’s going to tell you how to find it in 90 minutes or less. As a former fashion photographer, Boothman developed a knack for presenting people in their best light, and he’ll help you capitalize on love at first sight. After all, it’s how he fell in love with his wife of more than 30 years. Throughout the book he breaks down preparation and action into practical steps. You’ll quickly discover whether someone is your “matched opposite,” a person who shares your values but has a personality different enough to keep life interesting and fun.

Take Boothman’s ideas into account next time you meet someone with whom you have chemistry, and you may well fall in love within an hour and a half. Now staying in love? That’s another book—and a lifetime commitment!

Carla Jean Whitley lives, writes and dates in Birmingham, Alabama.

With so many dating books out there, it seems there’s a guide for just about everyone. Here’s a look at five of this year’s offerings. By the time you make your way through this relationship gauntlet, you’ll be equipped to find a date this Valentine’s…

NonfictionFamily & Relationships

The secrets of successful suitors

Feature by Amy Scribner

It’s hard enough to find someone worthy of a second date, let alone worthy of your heart. This Valentine’s Day, pick up one of these books for more insight into that most intangible and mysterious thing: true love.

In his truly fascinating history of online dating, Love in the Time of Algorithms, Dan Slater traces the concept as far back as the 1960s, when a geeky Harvard undergrad gave up on mixers and devised a $3 matchmaking questionnaire that was then transferred to a punch card and fed through an IBM computer the size of a bookcase. In fact, Slater’s own parents met through one such service, which spat out a printed list of matched college students and mailing addresses—a far cry from today’s sophisticated services, like Match.com and OkCupid, which use complicated algorithms to match up potential suitors. But doesn’t some valuable information get lost when we go online to find love? What about scent, a hair toss, a flirtatious look? Turns out, that doesn’t matter as much as we once thought. “People will use whatever communication tools they have at their disposal to connect,” Slater concludes. “A mood becomes an emoticon. A fast email response communicates warmth. . . . Of course, you can’t smell the person you’re looking at—until later—but meanwhile, the computer is crunching more information than you could ever gather in a glance across the bar.”

CASANOVA’S CHARM

Betsy Prioleau may be an academic, but she writes like a dream. A study of the history and science of seducers, Swoon is sharp, sexy and completely engrossing. Prioleau examines both why some men are great seducers and how they do it. And Paul Newman-like looks don’t factor into the equation as much as one might think. Take Luke, a 31-year-old Brit living in Baltimore: “Luke is a too tall six feet seven inches, with chipmunk cheeks, a receding hairline, and rectangular geek glasses,” writes Prioleau, who heard about Luke from no fewer than four women. “Yet he’s an erotic mage with a flair for the pleasures of the flesh.” (See the book for more on that—probably not suitable for inclusion in this family publication.) Whether Prioleau is writing about Casanova, Bill Clinton or the great French actor Gérard Depardieu (“I turn around, and it’s as though I’ve touched a live socket”), she brings to life those elusive qualities of the world’s great seducers.

LIFE AFTER ‘I DO’

In these times of disposable marriages, the story of Barbara “Cutie” Cooper and husband Harry inspires: They met in 1937 and spent the next 73 years together. “He thought I was special, and I agreed with him,” Cooper writes. “So as long as he thought I was the kingpin, what was there to discuss?” Their granddaughters Kim and Chinta started a blog in 2008 called The OGs (Original Grandparents), where they shared videos chronicling their grandparents’ love story. The blog translates nicely to their book Fall in Love for Life, a delightfully sweet mix of memoir and self-help. Cutie offers smart and surprisingly modern advice on love: “Make time in your busy life for romantic getaways,” she advises. “Turn off the cell phones and leave the computer at home. You’d be amazed what just a night or two away from it all can do for your love life.” Now in her 90s, and a widow since 2010, Cutie has clearly kept her perspective and her humor. “Harry was always five years my senior, which means that he had five years to sow his wildest oats before I came along,” she writes. “Maybe this means that the next five years are all for me to enjoy, so that we come out equal in the end.”

It’s hard enough to find someone worthy of a second date, let alone worthy of your heart. This Valentine’s Day, pick up one of these books for more insight into that most intangible and mysterious thing: true love.

In his truly fascinating history of online dating,…

Family & Relationships

Love, and all that jazz

Feature by Linda M. Castellitto

As Valentine’s Day draws nigh, our thoughts turn to romance. These three books explore dating and relating from a variety of viewpoints.

Any woman who’s tired of relatives, friends and co-workers who ask, “Why are you still single?” will appreciate Sara Eckel’s It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. The author, inspired by her 2011 New York Times "Modern Love" column, has penned a smart, I’ve-got-your-back debunking of the most common remarks made to unmarried women, especially those 30ish and older. Eckel, who married at 39, believes that being unmarried is due to one simple thing: not having met the right person. But after being told that she and her single friends were too needy, unrealistic or picky, she wondered why this blame-assigning mindset is so prevalent. One reason, she writes: “We’re a nation that believes strongly in personal efficacy—if there’s something in your life that isn’t working quite the way you’d like, then the problem must begin and end with you.” That myth shows up in all 27 of the wrong reasons Eckel explores, from “You’re Too Intimidating” to “You Should Have Married That Guy.” Eckel encourages readers to push aside the naysaying, enjoy life as it is right now and remember that the question isn’t why you’re single, it’s, “Why are near strangers so often compelled to demand answers?” 

GEEKS OF ENDEARMENT

Eric Smith’s The Geek’s Guide to Dating is a pop-culture compendium of advice for dating, with clever geek lingo and analogies galore. Smith (founder of the website Geekadelphia) offers sound tips for readers who spend so much time behind their computers that they haven’t learned the nuances of courtship. Topics include Selecting Your Character (identifying your interests and strengths), Search Optimization (where to meet geeks) and Building a Bulletproof Wardrobe (no LED belt buckles, please). Smith’s advice is straightforward, whether reminding readers to approach others with respect or suggesting that they “Start a conversation, not a debate.” Fun illustrations, plus charts, lists and what-if scenarios add to the good-hearted guidance. May the force be with you.

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

There’s girl-talk, and then there’s Sex After . . . Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes, a no-topic-is-taboo collection gleaned from interviews with 150 women ages 20-something to 80-something (and a few men, too). Iris Krasnow, author of the popular The Secret Lives of Wives, specializes in writing about women’s relationships. In Sex After . . ., she wanted to go beyond stereotypes and explore what real women are experiencing: “And may that truth release you into becoming your authentic and fullest sexual self, after the honeymoon, after cancer, after boredom, after divorce, after wrinkles—until death do you part.” She alternates well-researched passages full of relevant statistics and quotes with frank stories about sex after major life events such as childbirth, illness, infidelity and more. While 20-somethings are enjoying “hooking-up culture,” Krasnow notes that young ladies aren’t the only ones having fun. She also finds “rocking grandmothers who attend Tantric sex workshops and are as lusty as teenagers.” Those skeptical of Krasnow’s assertion that, in the realm of sex, “the 70s are the new 40s” surely will change their minds after reading this lusty litany.

As Valentine’s Day draws nigh, our thoughts turn to romance. These three books explore dating and relating from a variety of viewpoints.

NonfictionFamily & RelationshipsArts & Culture

Booking for love

Feature by the editors of BookPage

Valentine’s Day plans (or lack thereof) got you down? Whether you’re in the mood for love or would prefer to take comfort in the lovelorn misery of others, we’ve got the perfect read to snuggle up with. 

IT ENDED BADLY
The perfect Valentine’s Day read for: Anyone who’s still daydreaming about setting their ex’s car on fire.

Between the covers: Maybe the lovey-dovey mush of Valentine’s Day isn’t your bag. Maybe you’re a heartbroken mess. For you, there’s Jennifer Wright’s hilarious survey of 13 of the worst breakups in history. From Nero and Poppaea in Rome to Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, these are some truly horrible splits, but Wright’s commentary will have you crying from laughter.

Best advice for the lovelorn: Even if you’ve gone a little insane after a breakup, it’s OK, because you’ve (hopefully) never done anything as bad as the people in this book, and “heartbreak is almost never the defining moment of one’s life.” 

Strangest tidbit: Russian empress Anna Ivanovna forced a prince to marry one of her maids and then locked them in an ice palace for their wedding night. His offense? Falling in love with the wrong woman.

Choice quote: “TV is great. Don’t let anyone tell you different. It is the only thing stopping wealthy, idle people from forcing underlings to dress up as chickens and pretend to lay eggs in their foyers—another real thing that happened.”

LOVE: THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ATTRACTION
The perfect Valentine’s Day read for: The shy or self-doubting dater who needs a confidence boost and practical strategies for finding the right companion.

Between the covers: For those who need a remedial course, this textbook-style guide has plenty of bright graphics and informative charts to make the lessons more palatable. Readers will learn how to think positively about their attributes and ditch bad habits. Once you’ve entered the dating phase, you’ll find out how to look your best, keep your cool and communicate successfully.

Best advice for the lovelorn: Being introverted shouldn’t prevent anyone from finding love. By learning to manage your shyness and feelings of inadequacy, you can become more comfortable dating.

Strangest tidbit: “Mental illness is usually not something to bring up in early dates.”

Choice quote: “Is blushing bad? Not at all. ‘Blushes are very useful for conveying apologies,’ says UK psychologist Ray Crozier. If your face is burning, try not to worry: it may actually defuse the situation by showing you didn’t mean any harm.”

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T WRITE THAT
The perfect Valentine’s Day read for: Singles who filled out their online dating profile with generic descriptors like “fun-loving” and can’t seem to find their match.

Between the covers: The founder of ProfilePolish.com, an online dating profile makeover service, provides step-by-step instructions and strategies for presenting your best self online, from picking a username to writing a profile that sums up who you really are.

Best advice for the lovelorn: No more sweating the dreaded first impression, as online dating provides an opportunity to take control.

Strangest tidbit: A profile that mentions the zombie apocalypse is a deal-breaker. “Because it ain’t gonna happen.”

Choice quote: “[P]iss-poor profiles point to one thing: you’re copping out. You may say that you’re looking for a real relationship, but your refusal to put the necessary effort into crafting your profile shows a potential match exactly the opposite.”

CRUSH
The perfect Valentine’s Day read for: Anyone looking to reassemble that shrine to Jared Leto that used to occupy your sixth-grade locker.

Between the covers: It’s hard to forget, or really get over, your first celebrity crush. In this hilarious and poignant essay collection, popular writers such as Jodi Picoult recount their first taste of infatuation and dish about the obsessive and embarrassing ways they expressed their love.

Best advice for the lovelorn: “We worship perfection because we can’t have it,” wrote Fernando Pessoa. “If we had it, we would reject it.”

Strangest tidbit: Even a few video game characters (Laura Croft from “Tomb Raider” being one) make the list for first-crush material.

Sample quote: “It doesn’t matter that he’s a character in an epic film played by a famous movie star. Or that I’m a gawky thirteen-year-old with giant buckteeth and wads of scratchy toilet paper stuffed in my training bra. I believe that when we meet . . . my tiny breasts and big choppers will be of little consequence.” 

121 FIRST DATES
The perfect Valentine’s Day read for: Anyone discouraged after spending too much time in the dismal depths of the dating world.

Between the covers: Bay Area author Wendy Newman, a “relationship expert” who went on the titular 121 first dates before meeting her partner, encourages the downtrodden to stay in the dating game. She offers (sometimes cringeworthy) personal anecdotes alongside practical advice and tips to help readers date efficiently and avoid the worst dating mistakes—and promises that it is possible to have an amazing first date with anyone. 

Best advice for the lovelorn: “No matter how steamy he is, if he doesn’t think I’m hot, he’s no longer hot to me.”

Strangest tidbit: “Don’t go hiking on a first meet-and-greet date. He could be a recovering drug addict and felon who has been known to carry a hammer in his back pocket.”

Choice quote: “My way (or couple of ways) may not be The One True Way, if there is such a thing. If the shoe doesn’t fit for you, it ain’t your shoe. Don’t cram it on; this could be a long hike.” 

 

This article was originally published in the February 2016 issue of BookPage. Download the entire issue for the Kindle or Nook.

Valentine’s Day plans (or lack thereof) got you down? Whether you’re in the mood for love or would prefer to take comfort in the lovelorn misery of others, we’ve got the perfect read to snuggle up with.
NonfictionFamily & Relationships

Challenge the way you think about love

Feature by Sarah McCraw Crow

Valentine’s Day. If those two words inspire dread rather than desire, take heart; a new crop of books offers advice and wisdom, whether you’re out there looking for The One, long married and bored with your sex life, or downright heartbroken.

BYE BYE LOVE
The qualities that we usually look for in a partner—sense of humor, charisma, beauty, good family, intelligence—are often red flags in disguise, write Michael Bennett, M.D., and Sarah Bennett in F*ck Love: One Shrink’s Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship. Dr. Bennett, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, and his daughter Sarah, a comedy writer, teamed up for a previous book, F*ck Feelings, in which they advised that paying less attention to feelings helps you manage life better. The Bennetts write in an irreverent, sometimes profane style—for instance, each chapter, devoted to a red-flag trait, includes F*ck in its title: “F*ck Beauty,” “F*ck Charisma” and so on. Despite the irreverence, the Bennetts’ advice is sincere and sensible. They explain how and why readers should seek partnership qualities (common goals, shared effort when times get tough) more than the red-flag traits. Though it includes advice for readers in relationships, this book is most useful for those in the dating world. 

THE RIGHT MATCH
Susan Quilliam’s How to Choose a Partner covers some of the same material as the Bennetts’ book but takes a quieter, more meditative approach. She refers to classic novels like Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd for anecdotes. A British psychologist, author of 22 books and advice columnist, Quilliam also teaches classes on love and sexuality. “We now approach partner choice with bigger expectations, deeper confusion, and heavier pressure than ever before,” she writes, offering advice on meeting potential partners (aim for a “slow river”: put your energy into groups that offer a steady flow of different people) and what to look for in a partner. Quilliam emphasizes partnership qualities, breaking these down into goals, values and personality traits. The book has a straightforward style, with appealingly quirky illustrations. 

SPICE IT UP
Sex is the glue of marriage, writes Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist and author of more than 50 books about marriage and parenting. In Have a New Sex Life by Friday: Because Your Marriage Can’t Wait Until Monday Leman notes that what happens outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom, and readers need to consider the different ways that women and men communicate and process emotions. The book follows a five-day structure, considering a different aspect of sex (why women need sex, why men need sex, get your mother out of the bedroom) each day. This book is not for everyone; Leman writes from a Christian perspective for married, heterosexual couples. That said, his advice on how to talk to your partner about sex, and how to incorporate new sex positions and more “spicy” techniques into your routine, is frank, openhearted and sensible.

THE PHILOSOPHY OF LOVE
Carrie Jenkins’ What Love Is: And What It Could Be is not a self-help book, nor is it a collection of heartwarming essays. Instead, Jenkins aims to come up with a definition of romantic love that suits her as both a philosopher and a human being. A professor of philosophy at the University of British Columbia, Jenkins walks the reader through theories about romantic love past and present, drawing from classical philosophy, science and literature. This might sound dry and academic, but Jenkins adds fun with pop culture references and vivid images. She explains biological arguments (humans fall in love because it leads them to reproduce) and societal arguments (romantic love is a product of social expectations and traditions), and she posits that love has a dual nature. She shows how our understanding of romantic love has changed over time, and she hopes it will come to include polyamory, because she’s married, with a long-term boyfriend. I wish Jenkins had revealed a little more about her personal life, which she refers to in the book’s prologue: “On the mornings when I walk from my boyfriend’s apartment to the home I share with my husband, I sometimes find myself reflecting on the disconnects between my own experiences with romantic love. . . .” I’d love to know what else she reflects on, as she goes from one partner to another.

HEALING FROM HEARTBREAK
Meditation teacher and Buddhist practitioner Lodro Rinzler takes on heartbreak in Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heartbroken. Rinzler offers ancient Buddhist wisdom in a youthful, playful style. The book’s opening lines: “If you’re reading this, you’re probably heartbroken. I mean, why else would you pick up a book about heartbreak? I’m sorry you’re heartbroken.” For this book, Rinzler met with dozens of people who shared their stories of heartbreak, not just romantic heartbreak but all sorts of loss—giving up a child for adoption, losing a parent, losing family members. The book is made up of about 50 short chapters, and Rinzler suggests readers flip to the chapter they need at the moment (“If You Feel Like You Will Never Love Again,” “If You Are Feeling Angry,” “If You Need to Hear a Less Bizarre Joke”). It also offers a primer on mindfulness meditation, and on the concept of love in the Buddhist tradition—which includes loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity—“we include in our heart the people we like, the people we really don’t like, and the vast number of people we have never even met,” Rinzler writes. As to why our hearts break, Rinzler is succinct: “Your heart breaks because life isn’t what you thought it would be.” Love Hurts is a wise, funny companion and a reminder that we can move through loss and beyond it.

 

This article was originally published in the February 2017 issue of BookPage. Download the entire issue for the Kindle or Nook.

Valentine’s Day. If those two words inspire dread rather than desire, take heart; a new crop of books offers advice and wisdom, whether you’re out there looking for The One, long married and bored with your sex life, or downright heartbroken.

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