In the follow-up to Ellen Hendriksen’s helpful guide to working through social anxiety, How to Be Yourself, the clinical psychologist takes on another common psychological challenge: perfectionism. “Demanding a lot of yourself has probably gotten you a long way. I know it’s bought me a lot,” she writes in How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. But holding very high, perfectionistic standards can lead to isolation, burnout, loneliness and general dissatisfaction. Hendriksen notes that perfectionism—defined, in a nutshell, as generally demanding more of yourself than a situation requires—is on the rise, especially among young people.
Hendriksen covers elements of perfectionism, like being overly self-critical: “We are our own worst critics. We focus on flaws rather than what’s going well.” Perfectionists also overidentify with their own and others’ standards; their sense of self is always tied to meeting high expectations. “A mistake or shortcoming means we’ve failed, even if our standards were unrealistic,” she writes. Hendriksen describes herself as a perfectionist, and draws on her own experiences, as well as those of disguised, composite clients, to explain the sources of perfectionism and its effects. While not a diagnosis, she notes, perfectionism is closely linked to a host of issues—depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, even suicide.
Read our interview with Ellen Hendriksen, author of ‘How to Be Enough.’
The bulk of How to Be Enough is devoted to seven shifts in thought and behavior to push back against perfectionism, like learning to be kinder to ourselves, being more flexible, releasing past mistakes, comparing less and letting go of control. Hendriksen illustrates each of these shifts with the story of a struggling client, along with research to back up her advice. She also incorporates anecdotes and lessons from celebrities, like legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden, and a not-so-great performance that Jon Bon Jovi and billionaire Warren Buffet once gave. Throughout, Hendriksen refers to two entertainment titans, Walt Disney and Fred Rogers, to show the difference between unhealthy, isolating perfectionism and high but healthy standards. (Spoiler: Mr. Rogers is the one to emulate.)
The book incorporates plenty of research—it contains 36 pages’ worth of endnotes—but Hendriksen’s chatty style keeps the narrative accessible. How to Be Enough shows how to quit being your own toughest critic, and is a great addition to the self-help bookshelf.
